Sunday, 4 June 2017

The Great Outdoors Challenge 2017: A Plot is Hatched

My apologies for the quality of photos in this post. All pictures were taken using telephoto lenses during covert surveillance by a well known government agency investigating reports of cannibalism in the Highlands of Scotland, rumoured to take place each May. 

October 2016

A telephone conversation is taking place in those "lonely hours" between country pubs closing for the afternoon and re-opening for the evening.

Peer of the Realm (PotR): I’m not sure I want to do it again, Al. Lugging a heavy pack all across Scotland.  It’s not really the camping equipment. It’s all the food. Weighs a ton.

Lord Elpus

The String Puller (TSP): Don’t worry Phil.  I have a plan. We take food that can walk itself across.

The String Puller

PotR: I’m not herding sheep and chickens across the Highlands.

TSP: I wasn’t thinking of sheep or chickens.  I was thinking of something rather more special if you get my drift.

PotR: “Special stuff?”  Now you’re talking.  But Mad 'n’ Bad has been on that 5 and 2 Diet.  He’d be no use.  All gristle and bone.

Mad 'n' Bad

TSP: How about Mick Dundee from Croydon?  Plenty of meat on him.

Mick Dundee from Croydon

PotR: Are you crazy?  We might just take him if he’s in a drunken stupor or really fast asleep.  But we’d likely end with our limbs torn off.

TSP: I’ve got it!  Fellbound.  He’s become a right porker since he stopped walking as much, what with that alleged gammy leg.  We’ll invite him to walk with us.

PotR: Genius.  I'll bring along a nice bottle of Chianti. The evening meal on Day 4 will be one to remember.

April 2017 The Lake District Pre-Walk Daunder

Furtive whispering on Scotgate Campsite, Braithwaite.

PotR: The bastard’s been on a diet too. He's lost weight.  Now we’re saddled with a guy with a gammy leg who’s no use to anyone.

TSP: I’ll bring some Smoky BBQ sauce anyway.  In case we get desperate.  And we can send him ahead in the boggy bits to work out the depth. Anyway, I'm getting rather bored with only having you to photograph.  He's actually rather pretty now he's lost weight.  He could make a half-decent model....[Shouts]: Hey, Fellbound, drape yourself over that table would you? I just need you in the foreground to put those hills into proper perspective. And pout, man, pout. 

Fellbound after losing 20 pounds of fat


  1. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    1. Now then Geoffrey. I'm not certain that canonballism is a laughing matter, at least not when it is me that might end up in the large cauldron above a Jetboil. Show some decorum, please.

  2. And now you understand why I had to stop walking with them. It was all the plotting behind the scenes.
    On the other hand 2018, if we can get Lord E back on board ship.

    1. Well you did warn me Andy. As for 2018, my final blog in this series will comment on the likelihood of me applying again.

  3. You've got it in one, Sir.
    The Challenge is like Royston Vasey.
    'You'll never leave...'

    1. Royston Vasey. Twinned with Kingussie I believe. It was one of the funniest comedies ever.