It is gratifying when a person who appears to be a caricature
of someone straight out of the 1860s (ie Jacob Rees-Mogg) publicises something
that someone straight out of the 1760s (ie Fellbound) has been moaning about
for years – the use of ridiculous or imprecise language and the abuse of
grammar. I do not, incidentally, claim
to be an expert on grammar. As a child
of the 1960s I was not taught grammar in any formal sense apart from in Latin and
Greek lessons. Thus, I make no claims to
grammatical expertise, what with English speakers not being Romans or Ancient
Greeks.
But Mogg has a point, in that some stuff we hear or read is,
bluntly, absurd. Having undertaken an
extensive and rigorous analysis that took me in excess of twenty minutes I
believe that many backpacking writers, bloggers and vloggers (what a horrid
word) are guilty and I now set out just some of the words and phrases which,
and I’ll put this as delicately as I can, boil my piss:
1. Rocking (or worse “rockin”) as in “what trail shoes are you
rocking these days?”, or “I’m rocking the Gossamer Gear Mariposa pack on this
year’s TGO Challenge”. Can’t these
people just wear or own things? I am, incidentally, rocking the GG Mariposa on
most of my hikes.
2. Dialled. I have no
idea what this word means if used about anything other than a telephone made
before about 1980. People seem to say or
write things such as “I have dialled my gear down”. Look.
Just stop it. Please.
3. My go to. As in “my
go to shelter/pack/boots/trekking poles/whatever”. I just have a “usual” or “favourite”. But then I’m an old fart.
4. Any discussion about the
definitions of what constitutes “lightweight”, “ultralight”, “super-ultralight”, what should be included in “base weight” or anything vaguely
connected with these concepts. It’s
subjective you wallies! Would you have a
discussion about, say, the height someone should be before they can be
described as “tall” or “short”? No you
wouldn’t. Not unless you were a complete
moron. Or a student of philosophy. Or both.
5. “Comfortability”. I recently heard an American say that his new backpacking pillow had greatly increased his comfortability. Honestly. And no, George W Bush has not started backpacking.
That’s backpacking. Now I’ve started I may as well have a rant
about this stuff in the wider world.
1. Forward planning. What’s
that all about? Can planning be about
anything other than what will happen in the future? Is the word “forward” necessary? Or perhaps people who use this term believe they are dealing with people who think that they might be planning for
events that are now in the past?
2. Existential. No-one, but no-one, except the Danish philosopher Kierkegaard, knows what that word
means. It is now used daily by politicians,
journalists and commentators eg “an existential threat”. It’s just “a threat” you idiots. Adding superfluous words to make you sound
clever does not make you clever. Nor
does it impress people who are clever.
3. “Reaching out”. As in
“we are reaching out to our customers”. Well I will tell you what I reach out for. The sick bucket whenever I hear or read this fatuous phrase.
4. “Can I get a….?”. As
used in Starbucks, Costa and all the large commercial coffee houses. “Can I get a flat white?” The correct response from the server should
be “I’m sorry, no. Health and Safety rules
would not allow you behind the counter, but I’ll happily make one for you and
put it in the eco-friendly mug made out of yak skin that you have thoughtfully
brought with you. Long live the polar
bears.”
5. “This does not represent who I am or the values I
hold”. Another sick bucket inducing
phrase. It is used by people (politicians, business men and women, footballers, Hollywood stars and their ilk) caught with
their trousers down, making racist abuse, recorded making injudicious comments
to friends, using the office computers for porn, or making a Nazi salute. In my case I need to explain that my dog Moss
is somewhat deaf these days and he responds to hand signals. My signal for stop and wait does, indeed, look
rather like a Nazi salute. Well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
Actually matey, what you did does indeed represent who you are. Be honest about it. We’re all human. We all err. We have all said and done things that we should not have done. The important thing is to be honest about our actions, not just to ourselves but also to any others affected, to know what is right and wrong and to try to improve our behaviours in the future.
Now go on. You know you want to. If you are
as curmudgeonly as me please leave a comment giving further examples of idiocy. And do not write “starting a sentence with the
word ‘and’, you clot”. This was very
acceptable in 1780.
